To people hearing about it theoretically, premature ejaculation could look like a small problem. But to the people directly affected by premature ejaculation, the couple where the man ejaculates prematurely, this can be a devastating problem.
On the Man’s side
On the man’s side, for one, premature ejaculation means ‘inability to perform’. This is a huge blow to him, because men are very performance-oriented in their thinking. He may try to mask it, making it look as if he is in control of his attitude towards his premature ejaculation problem, but he still ends up feeling as if his worth as a man is in question. Then the fears set in, enhancing the psychological stress from the already bad situation that set in when the premature ejaculation started. Subconsciously, at least, the man wonders, for instance, whether his woman will end up straying; now that he is unable to satisfy her due to his premature ejaculation. If its quite a casual relationship he has – like those college students have with each other – the man ends up developing a fear, again at least subconsciously, that ‘news’ about his premature ejaculation may spread around and ‘dent his social resume.’
Of course, even on the man’s side, there is psychological stress of unresolved sexual excitement, due to premature ejaculation. This is because although the premature ejaculation does lead to some sexual release, it is usually not what the man will have been looking for. So contrary to what many people say, that in premature ejaculation, only the woman is left ‘hanging,’ the truth of the matter is that is the man is really left in no better position as far as true sexual satisfaction goes. There will be anxiety, on the man’s part, as to what exactly is causing the premature ejaculation in him. In this situation, one is tempted to fear the worst.
The woman’s side
The psychological stress a woman suffers out of her man’s PE problem is likely to take another form.
On the one side, she will of course be suffering from the sexual frustration of having a man who, due to premature ejaculation, can’t satisfy her sexually – at least in as far as penetrative sex goes.
On another level, she will be sharing some of the stress her man goes through, on account of his threatened ‘sense of worth’ from the premature ejaculation. Sometimes she can even end up suffering more than him, since women are such nurturing people. In this regard, she could even find her sense of worth being threatened too, as she tries to understand what her possible contribution to the premature ejaculation problem could be.
On yet another level, there is the possibility of the women undergoing the psychological stress that comes with having to bear the brunt of the viciousness/aggressiveness that often comes from a man when his sense of worth is on the line. Premature ejaculation is just the type of problem to bring out such viciousness.
Easing Your Partner’s Pain
The key to effectively easing your partner’s psychological stress, in this kind of situation, is by making an effort to understand that stress, and then working from that point of understanding.
For a man, alternative ways of keeping your woman sexually satisfied, as you try to get treated for premature ejaculation may need to be explored. But keep it in mind that these are only coping strategies, as they can never quite take the place of penetrative sex in a normal relationship. You will also need to re-assure her, if she seems to be expressing doubts to this effect, that she is not the cause of the premature ejaculation problem, and that your PE really has nothing to do with her as a woman. Further on, you will need to watch yourself for vicious behaviors that may be emanating from your feeling that your sense of self is threatened (these behaviors tend to creep in without our knowing), and ensure that they don’t get expression, as they serve no real purpose.
For a woman, easing the man’s psychological stress from premature ejaculation will revolve around re-assuring him. Re-assure him, ideally in subtle non verbal ways, that you don’t find him less of a man because of his inability to last longer in bed; that you still treasure him (and make an effort to really do). Reassure him, still ideally in subtle non verbal ways, that you still love him, and won’t be leaving him for other ‘better performing men’ or discussing his premature ejaculation problem with anyone.
In the meantime, as a couple, be looking for ways to actually resolve the premature ejaculation problem. Talking to a sexologist is a good way to start on the journey out of this problem. Some causes of premature ejaculation may be beyond the sexologist’s ability to personally address, and in that case, the relevant referrals can be made.
